Thursday, April 19, 2012

A Madness Observed

Finally took the plunge... and started on antidepressants. My insurance doesn't cover my therapy for the first $1000 and I don't have that kind of cash lying around. So I went to the doctor and tried a few things. Don't remember what the first prescrip was for, but it gave me terrible insomnia and didn't have any effect at all. Next he put me on Cymbalta, plus Lunesta for the insomnia. Ergh. It made a bit of difference. It basically made me feel nothing. The good news is that I don't feel like putting a bullet in my head. No anxiety attacks either. The bad news is that I don't feel anything at all. Complete "Vulcan" mode. No joy, no anticipation.... just ... nothing. I guess that's an improvement, but I sure wish I could feel happy, at least a little bit. It's been decades since I was genuinely happy for any extended period. Something's broken in me, and I don't know what. Very confused spiritually right now too. I guess my attitude towards Christianity could be summed up with a quote from Ghandi. "I like their Christ. I don't like their Christians." I just can't reconcile a God who would send people to Hell just for believing the wrong thing. And the God of the Bible sometimes seems like a complete monster, killing people on a whim. But I can't dismiss that God is there either, because this past few weeks there have been some events where I've been saved from disaster by some coincidences that I can only attribute to Divine providence. Instead of feeling grateful, though, it makes me feel guilty. Why me? There are a lot of people in far more dire circumstances than I am. Why do I deserve such special help? And now I feel guilty for not feeling grateful. This merry go round will drive me crazy. I don't know how to love God. I don't know what switch to flip in my brain so that I can be like those who are really on fire for Jesus. And do I really want to? Is it better to be honest? And to top it all off, the dark cloud came back yesterday. Feelings of despair... of feeling very alone. Like nothing matters. Wanting to curl up in the corner and die.