I can't pretend anymore. I'm not even sure what I believe. There I said it.
When I was working for AT&T many years ago, we went through meetings where we were "encouraged" to say good things about AT&T's service in our off hours. We couldn't talk smack about the company to family and friends
That's the problem with the modern church. We can't show our real selves. To show doubt, despair, weakness, well that just isn't done. At one time I had wanted to be a minister, but now I'm glad I didn't go that route. I couldn't pretend to always "be on fire for God."
A lot of the problem is my own making. I don't know how to relate to people. Making friends is almost impossible. Deeper relationships... forget it. I always seem to say or do the wrong thing that turns people off. People make me nervous. Even writing this on a public forum fills me with some apprehension.
I guess I still believe that God exists... the universe just seems too orderly to be just random. And there have been events in my life that seem a lot like divine providence. But I go to church and I sit alone either bored, or filled with guilt. I don't know what to do to change it. And I can't accept the fact that a lot of people are going to hell just for backing the wrong team.
I really really wish I could go back to the blind faith I used to have. I was a lot happier. I just don't know what drug to take.