Thursday, November 3, 2011

A Madness Observed

I think I finally got my sleep apnea under control; in that I've been feeling better these past few days.  Of course for me, feeling better means not wanting to kill myself.  It seems like such a little thing... to make such a big difference.

For those who don't know, sleep apnea means that I stop breathing in the middle of the night.  I wake up just enough to get my breathing going again and I don't even remember it.  This happens dozens of times during the night, which means that I never completely fall all the way asleep.  Which makes me exhausted all the time.

To keep this from happening, I have to wear this complicated thing over my face that keeps my airway passages open.  It a hassle to wear and I've been neglecting it these past few months.  Also, it's noisy which means that I have to sleep in a separate room so that I don't keep everyone else awake.  But finally I think I got it so that I don't pull it off in my sleep and I manage to get through the night.

It's made a great deal of difference.  This past couple of months, my depression was spiraling down into a black pit, and I couldn't stop the slide.  I caught myself standing in the garage, wondering how I could fit the car in there, so I could sit in it with the engine running.  Thoughts like that.  They're scary.  It's like you have one of those shoulder devils... constantly berating you about how much you suck.

Today... not so much.  I actually found the energy to start writing again.  Is that all I needed?  A better night's sleep?  I hardly dare to hope.

1 comment:

  1. I hope the fix sticks... if only so you can write more. :)

    I don't have sleep apnea and it sounds quite unpleasant to have to live with. There was a period after my icky bout of illness about 10 years ago, though, where I had sleep paralysis nearly every day. It was an interesting thing.

    I think I had that exactly once before when I was a kid, and I thought I had a ghost experience (was awake but frozen in bed while spotting this hazy white thing ducking under the bed through the corner of my eye... and I got pretty rattled when I found out that I couldn't even make any noise). Flash back to 10 yrs ago, though, I was a medical student by then and thought it out and figured my brain must have woken up in a wrong sequence where the consciousness part of it woke up before the part that controls voluntary muscle movement. I looked it up and found that most sleep paralysis comes with visual disturbances... so now I'm not afraid anymore.

    Anyhow! Hope you're getting better all the time. :)